I think sometimes we love someone so much because of who they were. And sometimes, we love someone so much because of who we were when we were with them. And if you have to say goodbye, it feels like you’re saying goodbye to your favorite version of you, too.

We moved around a lot, but it was ok, because she taught us that home is wherever your people are. My family was my home. And now that she’s gone, I feel quite homeless.

I think it’s possible for a person to die of loneliness.

My feelings are broken and my brain isn’t working right. I feel like I can’t do simple things. I can’t answer easy questions. I catch myself standing in front of the fridge for minutes before I remember why. I can’t remember people’s names. I am doing brainless things. I see how someone could be so distracted they could walk right in to traffic. I am mixing numbers and letters and I can’t get a sentence out straight. I feel slow and stupid. But I think it’s because my mind/body are going through something, whether or not I want to stop for it. Make time for it.

I feel like my kids have aged in just a few days, and like I don’t recognize anything anymore. I feel like everything is broken and I have to fix it now, and like I’m running out of time. Like a panic. Like the extra grace I usually give my kids has ruined them and like I’ve run out of time to fix it. I’m sure it’s a trick my brain is playing on me. So I’m taking it easy on my kids. And I’m taking it easy on me.

It’s one of the busiest times of my life, and I can’t drop everything and tend to my breaking heart. My work, a whole city, is depending on me. So I have to push through. And normally I can just load up on coffee and rock and roll and push through, that’s kind of my specialty. but this is different.

I at random times, meltdown into my kitchen floor when I’m sure no one is around. I feel like I want to scream for the past five days straight. But I have to pick myself up and move on like everything is normal. But everything is not normal. Everything is not alright. And though life continues for the rest of the world, I’m stuck at the moment I heard. Like my clock stopped there.

I’m being pulled in every direction and I’m exhausted. I have run out of patience. Any demand of me is too much. It weighs heavier on me just to do little things. Like getting out of bed and feeding my family. It’s like the power that drives me is gone.

Everything annoys me that I would normally tolerate. I’m sad and I’m mad. And it’s easier to get mad than to deal with the other. I just want to take a vacation from everything and everybody and every expectation and just hold myself, and hold the little girl in me that just lost her greatest friend and protector, until I feel like I can stand up again.

“She taught me everything, except how to live without her.”

Written by

Missy Marilyn

Still working on it.